In a new book titled “Envy: Why Wanting What They Have is the Key to Getting What You Want,” social scientist and life coach Stacy Kim challenges the traditional view of envy as a purely destructive emotion. Kim, who has studied the feeling extensively through her work with coaching clients and her own life experiences, suggests that envy is actually a valuable indicator of our unmet goals.
Understanding Benign Envy
Kim distinguishes between two primary forms of envy. The first is malicious envy, which involves a desire to see the other person fail or lose what they have. The second is benign envy, which Kim describes as a form of admiration mixed with motivation. This type of envy helps individuals focus on what they want to achieve rather than sabotaging their own progress.
“I think that when we don’t examine our envy, that’s when it leads us astray,” Kim says. She notes that people tend to envy those who are similar to them, which makes the feeling a practical guide for what is realistically within reach. This contrasts with jealousy, which typically involves a third party and the fear of losing a relationship or status.
The SIReN Framework
To help people process these feelings, Kim developed a mnemonic tool called SIReN. This framework encourages individuals to analyze their envy through four steps:
- Similar target: Recognize that the person you envy is similar to you, meaning your goal is attainable.
- Relevant comparison: Identify the specific domain or area of life where this desire is most important to you.
- Negative emotion: Assess the intensity and duration of the feeling to understand its significance.
Kim emphasizes that the object of envy is often just a symbol for a deeper, intangible desire. For example, envying someone with a larger apartment might actually reflect a desire for a calm, uncluttered home. Once this underlying need is identified, individuals can find alternative ways to fulfill it, such as decluttering their current space or pursuing a new hobby.
Building Solidarity Over Scarcity
Kim also advises against the zero-sum mindset that often accompanies envy. Instead of viewing others’ success as a threat, she suggests reaching out to them for advice or collaboration. In many cultures, such as in Korea, expressing envy is a common and acceptable way to start a conversation. In the United States, however, it may feel more appropriate to express admiration or curiosity about how someone achieved their goals.
When goals feel out of reach due to structural barriers, Kim recommends forming alliances with others in similar situations. By sharing information and supporting one another, individuals can build a sense of community and reduce the isolation that often accompanies envy. This approach fosters solidarity and can lead to mutual growth and respect.
Kim acknowledges that studying envy does not make the feeling disappear. It remains a natural part of the human experience. However, understanding its roots and learning to harness it can transform a potentially negative emotion into a powerful tool for self-improvement and connection.
Source: The Guardian
