A reader writing to The Guardian describes a childhood defined by the sacrifices of first-generation immigrant parents who prioritized academic achievement and financial stability over leisure. Now a mother herself, she struggles to identify simple pleasures, viewing hobbies and travel through a lens of utility rather than enjoyment. She seeks guidance on how to break free from this ingrained mentality and model a joyful life for her own children.
The Strangler Fig of Means and Ends
Eleanor Gordon-Smith, the advice columnist responding to the query, uses the metaphor of a strangler fig to explain this psychological trap. The process begins when an activity is pursued as a means to achieve a different, more valued outcome. Over time, however, the means can take over the schedule and mental energy, eventually crowding out the original goal. The activity becomes the end in itself, valued for its own sake rather than for what it produces.
This dynamic often appears in financial behavior. People may pursue money to secure a good life, but the accumulation of wealth eventually supersedes the quality of life it was meant to buy. For immigrant families, the initial sacrifices are made to create a better future for the next generation. The hard work, multiple jobs, and cultural adjustments are intended as tools to improve living conditions, not as a temple to worship for its own sake.
When the organizing mythos shifts to working hard simply for the sake of working hard, the real value gets strangled. The reader’s upbringing, where every action needed to be applied toward a tangible goal, is a common legacy of such survival strategies. The challenge lies in recognizing that the better life was the actual point, not the accumulation of chips earned through hardship.
Starting with Feeling, Not Activity
Gordon-Smith advises that the first step is to start with the feeling, not the activity. Leisure does not require a defined path or a specific hobby like home renovation or travel. The primary question should be what ignites a feeling of joy in the individual. This requires a period of exploration, similar to finding a mind-muscle connection in a disused part of the body. If one has been out of touch with asking whether they enjoy something, it may take many attempts to detect the answer.
It is normal for joy not to feel immediate or immersive at first. An exploratory approach, or fieldwork, is more effective than expecting instant gratification. The reader is encouraged to ask how specific experiences make them feel and what they can detect within themselves. The resulting joys may be highly specific, such as feeding crows, dancing, or preserving weeds. The goal is to make room for the actual self, defined by genuine feelings and preferences rather than external expectations.
Slowing down and stillness allow for honest reflection on one’s reactions. This process is not about discarding the hard work of the past but about cashing in some of those hard-earned chips. It is possible to be the person for whom life could be better without feeling that it is wrong. The ultimate objective is to ensure that the means do not become the end, allowing for a life that values enjoyment as a legitimate goal in itself.
Source: The Guardian
